Peeks for Peeps

A Weeping Tale

She’d been here before, this weeping, the emptiness. The sorrow the hell, the brutal wounds ,yet , it’s beauty in this moment is what she called the awe of the raw. To be in this much agonizing pain, allowed her to feel real, alive. The only other alternative was death. She also knew and lived by the mantra, “this too shall pass”. So she will feel what is necessary , enter the abyss , feel the blackness .

.” Wake up Alice it’s your turn to drive” . She awoke into another extraordinary day of living. She realized that she had dozed off for an hour on this long journey to Mexico with her friend Jessie.. She’d never been to Mexico and it was going to take six days of driving to reach their destination . What the hell is six days compared to 60 yrs. That’s how old she’ll be soon. What a life it’s been. Fill with horror, anger, illness, peace, bliss, adventures, discoveries, love , all rooted into one body of life that continues to battle demons of her own and those of her ancestors. She both loved and hated their stories. Their rituals, memories, fears, emptiness, weeping. Yet for all the poverty , worry , god how they love to live, dance and sing.

Growing up in a small fishing village, she can almost hear her grandma say “ child, what’s ailing ya”, get on up now and fetch me my fiddle . It’s a jig you be needing this day, not a weeping tree to be leaning up against.

So up she’d get and sure enough , after a spin around the kitchen floor she’d be filled with the delights of being a child. Before bed there be the wonder of wonders, tea and biscuits. She believes she woke up each morning waiting for nightfall as the sun set over the long range mountains just for her tea & biscuits. She would try them mid afternoon some days, but they never tasted the same. It had to be at bedtime, next to the stove in the kitchen , listening to the crackling fire, smelling her grandfather ‘s pipe and listening to her grandma humming as she rocked in her rocking chair. God how she loved those two. They were her pillars . Alice visited them almost every weekend and holiday. She was the oldest of four children and living at home with a bully of a dad. Alice was happy to be in the comfort and care of her grands when possible

Living at home was dreadful, day in and day out. Alice urinated every time her dad walked into a room. It became habit and stayed with her until she left home at 18. Even today, whenever she thinks of him, off to the washroom she runs. Habit. He meant well , loved family as best he could but his anger at his own life was transferred to all those around him. The small town they lived in were afraid of him. He was an odd ball when it came to drinking. He was a ruthless tyrant when sober ,a kitten when he had a drink in his hand. Alice only ever saw him drunk once. He fell down in the mud at his daughters wedding, face first and it was funny . He never remembered and she never brought it up.

Growing up after the war was bitter sweet. The boys had come home, the women were back in the kitchen after years of working the factories in the city. Those who lived out on the bay were happy to be out fishing . If the girls were not fishing they were fetching their fellers. Getting the catch of the month , their boyfriends.

When they reeled one in, they made sure they did their deeds to keep them.

Alice’s mother was ahead of her time. After the factories closed there was no way she could stay at home . She saw a need for a clothing store in their village and after many meetings, promises to the rural co-op bank ,she opened up her jewel . It was her castle and she it’s queen.

Money was not a priority, status was. And that she had . People adored her , she was funny , beautiful and a wee bit of a trickster. She could con a con, make snow melt on the coldest of days and warm the heart of all who entered her domain.

If Alice was not out fishing, skating on the pond, playing cards, all the things one did in a small village, she worked the store for her mom. When her mother was not at the store, she was home sieving wine. That was her hobby and many a time she’d rise up from the basement with hiccups.

Alice thinks of these things as she is driving on route to Mexico. Jessie is now asleep and Alice is left with the hum of the engine, the sea of trees as she drives with her memories.

The diagnoses of liver cancer has been shocking to Alice but she is refusing treatment. She feels she’s lived a solid life , but is very tired. The will to stay alive has passed much as the passing highway on this trip. She glimpses at all the connections that keep ones life intact. Much like the trees, the highway, the sky, the horizon, all is passing to reach a destination. She has not yet told her family. Why prolong there worry? Her husband Pete passed two years ago. The kids would move on with their own lives in time .

Addictions were a big piece of Alice’s inheritance. These addictions are bitter sweet, the anguish, the release. The bold, the cowardice, the self will run riot, the begging for mercy. Why ? That’s the question Alice will answer on this her last journey. If she wanted to help change one thing to leave a legacy to her grands , then she best be getting on with it . Get to the root ,tell the truth and eject and release.

She remembers the first drink she had to help a painful mo

Hang loose, Hang on, Hang out, but NEVER Hang Up

Jesus , I am on my knees again’ what the fudge , you want my attention God , fine you have it. You want me to remember July 1st , 2000. Fine . Let’s battle it our cause I’m really tired and I need to sleep.

July 1st , 2000, I get a call from Kathy , our brother Derek is gone. “What do you mean he’s gone , where is he?” “ He’s dead “ , “what the fudge are you talking about Kathy ? what do you mean dead?” “He hung himself, “ she says . I am left hanging onto the phone or hang up the phone or stare into space. I’m not sure. I don’t know who I am,or who I’m supposed to be . I’m the older sister. But suddenly I am a child watching Derick move along with his crooked leg and I can’t express or feel anything. Only fear .

John, I and Amanda get to the airport the next day to fly to Fort McMurray Alberta. I’m wearing a long navy dress . I am a mere 45 years of age and some stupid man with a hand wand is frisking my body. He says “you have a great body. “

I’m wondering what the f “? he’s talking about a body but my baby brother has no body anymore he’s dead. We arrive at the Alberta airport , I can’t remember who picks us up but I do remember my mother sitting in a chair at Kathy’s home. Mom is angry and when I first hug her I am feeling that perhaps it is I who should have died first. After all I am the oldest. I turn to John and Amanda and finally I wake up to the wake that lays before us . It is a week of heart ache. Mostly for his son , 9 yr old James . It will take me another 12 years to understand my mothers anger that week when mine and John’s daughter,Melanie ,takes her own life , another hanging.

God , you have my attention, now can I go to sleep . I know you are sharing something with me that I need to understand. But I really am tired of it all. Yes , I know that others are complaining about their rent , their work , income , children, spouse , diet, weight, world poverty, politics, blah , blah . You want me to tell them what?

Hang loose , hang on, hang out, but NEVER hang UP. Well God , I hope they get the message, cause I’m tired and I need to sleep now .

Finally , it is finished , peek for peeps, “Into The Heart Of Bali “

Chapter 23
Alpha, Omega

Beginnings and endings, what do they mean to us as individuals and as a human species?

We live in a universe of pure consciousness. We arrive on this magnificent planet to enhance our species and we return in spirit to collective consciousness. Our journey is unique to each of us. No soul imprint is the same. The questions we ask ourselves must include, How do we best serve this collective consciousness? How can we make our imprint so that it empowers first ourselves and then others? Our mission is to live in unconditional love.

Shut Up BELL

mentalhealthhandsI realize that this is going to cause difficulty for some of you who continue to send me the link for bell  0.05  that is  going towards mental illness this week. Why am I not sharing but deleting? Let me talk to you about mental illness. Why are you allowing yourself to being seduced? Remember words cast spells and you have been under a spell. Do you really think that Bell cares about mental illness? If they did why did I receive a $12,000.00 phone bill in 2013? Now that is insanity.  Not only me but many received crazy phone bills from them between 2012-2016.

I am not playing the victim here but giving you facts. The day I received that bill I was in deep grief over the loss of my mother who had just passed in Oct ( I received the bill in Nov.) . Our daugher had committed  suicide the year before and my dad just had a stroke.  I had just returned from a shopping trip. John and I were in  Bali for my business, “The White Lilly” . When I am in Bali I use a different phone but unfortunately I  took my regular phone in case of emergencies that might come up in the store . I had no idea at the time that moving a button to off , “data roaming” would make a difference . Lesson learned.

I am all about acceptance, surrender, forgiveness. I forgave all of that drama a long time ago , however when I see what bell is still doing to you , the seduction, I am alarmed. Why do you only give when bell suggests it? Why are you not contributing directly to Mental Health organization? Do we have to have a month for Mental illness? Yes, you will say ,it creates awareness. Are you kidding me? Wake up, its all around you , are you not aware each and every day? Mental Illness is not a buzz word. It began in the 50’s when our food was introduced to chemicals to keep it fresh , but that is another story I do not want to discuss here.

Our family just went through hell in the last few months with another family member in need of help for her mental illness. Was it available? Absolutely NOT. The hospital was full, the police did not know where to take her so she came to spend time with us before going to treatment in another country.

My message to you is this. STOP allowing Bell to play the Dan Juan to your Damsel. The Dan Juan will spotlight all the positive seductive qualities of helping but only for their own private agenda. Your Damsel will live in the illusion because it feels like the right thing to do , but please understand the true nature of your own health and the health of others. GIVE TO THE MENTAL HEALTH organization directly.  Be empowered to make a difference, not because Bell tells you to.

Please STOP sending me those messages on messenger. Its a waste of time . GIVE so that others will live. but not through BELL. A bell is only a ding dong, is anyone home? If you are at home with yourself , you are in a very sacred space. Discern wisely.

Wake Up To Mental Illness

I awoke with little energy. I put my heavy feet on the carpeted flooring and wondered if it was a magic carpet as I felt like I was floating above something or was transported somewhere. I open my tired eyelids and discover I am still here for now. I am elsewhere in my mind.

Shit, another day in la- la land.

There is no reason for me to feel this way. I am not depressed. It is not my addiction that is rising its ugly head, it is not for any desires I have, it simply is this. “My serotonin and dopamine levels are very low. How do I know, I am 62 yrs. of age and have been studying myself since I was 36.

As I have aged I have become depleted of any hormones and hormone changes causes low levels of serotonin and neurotransmitter imbalances. Lack of sunlight also drops serotonin levels and since my return from Bali I have been packing to move as we are downsizing so that could be a cause, plus the stress of moving. (adrenal issue )

Dopamine is produced from amino acids from protein rich foods so I need to pay more attention to my food intake.

What does this all have to do with mental illness, PLENTY.

I am witnessing myself as I walk through this transition and I can see why my father and I drank. (and his father, and his father, and so on. )

If he was lacking these important chemicals and feeling like I feel, of course the alcohol would have given him the energy to wake up to another day.  The liquid gold of the rum he so loved would have allowed him to not feel the dampness within, the dryness of his energy, the cloud in his brain. The drink would wake him up ,to stay awake he needed more.

Mental illness is not about, “stop drugs, stop drinking, stop abusing, it’s about, “Let’s get to the cause” “Lets wake up to mental Illness” “let’s stop judging”. Let’s find out why some people have less of these chemicals in their brain and others are more balanced. When we think of someone imbalanced we go to the negative, never considering they have a lack of a certain hormone or chemical.

The deaths of my brother and daughter to suicide was an eye opener to mental illness in our family.  I did not acknowledge it from the alcoholism, abuse or anger in our family.  I did not see it when I or our daughter was unable to move one foot in front of the other. I did however become aware of changes when Melanie was pregnant for her children. Her moods were ecstatic, happy and cheerful. She was a delight to be around for those nine months but after her children were born, within two weeks she was tired, depressed, went through erratic moods swings once again. These swings started when she was 12 yrs. old and going through adolescent.   What we call “those teenage years”.

Today it is time I take time out. I am in need of rest, meditation, wholesome food, less sugar intake, exercise (although moving  this body is an issue). I just need to close my eyes and allow the magic carpet ride to begin, one foot at a time. I am not in a race and will go at my own pace.

I write this for those of you reading . You may have had such experiences at some point in your life and it is important you understand you are not crazy.

For those of you who are balanced, stop judging us, that is crazy.

LW The power of