A Quarter of Kindness

I awoke to what I thought was the sound of the donkey down the lane from where we live on Honeybourne. I chuckled when I discovered I was actually at Amanda’s home and the sound was our granddaughters morning squeals.

I stayed the night before as we are leaving soon for the US to take family pet dog ,a basenji, for his teeth cleaning .It seems it’s less dollars in the US and only an hours drive away. The day before I had been to the Indonesian embassy to extend my  passport for my yearly travel to Bali  and without thinking left them my password upon request . I’m to pick it up later in the week. What was I thinking, obviously I wasn’t. Today will be interesting. I’ll probably have to stay at the border while Amanda brings Prana the extra 15 min drive to vet. She’ll come back for me and we’ll drive to Kingston for the day. At least I’ll be with her for the hour drive with her pet in case he is disturbed.

I tell you all this to set up the day . The day before was a  driving disaster  as I drove into parkdale ave and witnessed road rage. Living in Almonte these last number of years I’ve been less anxious without the driving drama.

So ,here we go ,on our way to the United States of America without a passport.

JMJ, angels ,and all that is holy, your coming with us.

It’s raining so as I get into vehicle with Prana in back seat, Amanda driving ,I say a prayer and surround van with angel energy. If you don’t believe in such mysteries,stop reading . Chances are you’ll not be able to see the symbolism in all life’s twist and turns. Or maybe you do, what the hello do I know .

At the border crossing , I don’t have to bat my baby blues, that doesn’t work anymore these days at 64 yrs of living.

We are swiftly directed to the customs officer inside the building and I’m prepared to sit and wait. The smile on the young officers would melt stardust. He asks me why I do not have a passport on me and once I explain he smiles and says ,”go”.

Amanda and I literally run to the van in case he changes his mind. It’s still pouring rain but somehow the day is beaming with incandescent sparkles. That’s what happens when I’m with our daughter, moments sparkle.

We leave Prana at veterinary clinic and decide to venture an hour away to the small village of Potsdam, NY. It’s the home to Clarkson University and is known as being one of the best places to live in New York State. We drop into an ALDI supermarket. It’s a chain of supermarkets from Germany . I was first introduced to them in Flordia. They have great prices on Tuna, salmon and all their cheeses. We get a cart but I had forgotten you need 25cents to get shopping cart which is refunded upon return. Not only do I not have passport but neither of us has any American cash. As we chuckle at this a young women stops and asks,do you need a quarter?” She hands us one and we gratefully accept with gratitude.

Once we are in downtown Potsdam , we look for a parking space. The town is very unique with many shops lining the street in harmony and cleanliness all next to a winding river. We see a gentleman leaving a parking meter and as I roll my window down I ask the cost of meter. “10cents for a half hour “, is his reply. What? A dollar might get you 15 min in Ottawa  so this is exciting news. We have a quarter. We drive to a meter that still has 34 mins left, drop our quarter in and voila, we are all set for two hours.

Our first stop is a totally gluten free bakery. Cupcakes, every colour and taste imaginable greet us as we enter 3 Bears gluten free Bakery & Cafe.

After our bellies are filled with protein and sugar we waltz into a figure skating -dance studio boutique. For me it’s like eating cotton candy as a child. The delights of seeing such beauty in one location is breathtaking. I’m reminded of mine and then the girls figure skating days and of course the 5 years John and I took ballroom dancing lessons. I have no desire to leave. The styles, the colours, the smells all run through me and  I’m excited to be alive . I’ve not felt this way since I closed the White Lilly and realize I am feeding my inner fashionista.

Next it’s Amanda’s turn, we enter the university bookstore and this is her territory. The volumes, , the row upon row of novels, fiction, classics, biographies, poetry ,children’s books, the fragrance,all wrapped up into one hugh heart beat for her. We spend what feels like minutes here, actually it’s two hours. We sit and read one liners out loud to one another from books that inspire us. It’s our sacred moment in a very sacred space. We leave with a few treasures and make our way to a health food restaurant. We are blessed to stretch ourselves out on long leather couches . We chat heart to heart, laugh,cry as we discuss a mother’s relationship with their first born. We ponder about a feeling most mother’s have as they are raising their firstborn and unable to name it,so we call it “that”. That ,we will discuss again as it has alerted me to a feeling I’ve been remorse about since Melanie’s , my firstborns death.

It’s been seven years and Amanda also has her feelings of grief that spill over like chocolate spewing out of a chocolate fountain. Bittersweet.

It’s time to pick up Prana and we wonder as we leave the comfort of the leather couch if we have a parking ticket by now.  Alas, once in the van , no ticket. That quarter has stretched itself out to a full day of delights. I internally thank the women from Aldi’s once again and send her love. Love for her kindness. Love for the joy she has given two strangers this day. Two strangers who had nothing to worry about but showing up for one another. As we sat all afternoon carefree ,that quarter of kindness help make us whole.

All gluten free 16358F2D-D030-48B8-9DA8-5C8EE2152F1C

The Golden Leaf

I awoke to the sound of a donkey in the distance. Since our move to Honeybourne,we discovered there is a donkey living not to far away from the subdivision. I welcome his call as the first sound of my day. His voice to summon me out of theta is between 6:30 AM and 7 AM. As I open my eyes this morning I am reminded that a month from now I will be awakened with the sound of roosters in Bali. Our villa is very close to many animals ,ducks, roosters, cows, yes cows in Bali even though they are Hindu .They keep them to help in the fields. Next to villa there are three ducks, ,black, white and a golden colour. We call them, Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva.

As I am thinking of beloved Bali and joining my spiritual family once again, even without our dear mentor and friend Agung Prana ,I am filled with joy as I step foot on the floor to begin new beginnings.

While I am in the kitchen spirit slowly speaks in a haunting whisper “Lilly be aware of where you are now. You won’t find the sunrise that you have right here in Almonte nor will you see the sun set in your backyard as you do here on Honeybourne but most of all remember that in Bali you will not find the golden leaf. The golden leaf , “what is that”?

Allow me to breathe my thoughts ,feelings about the golden leaf.

Do you remember when

Peeks for Peeps

A Weeping Tale

She’d been here before, this weeping, the emptiness. The sorrow the hell, the brutal wounds ,yet , it’s beauty in this moment is what she called the awe of the raw. To be in this much agonizing pain, allowed her to feel real, alive. The only other alternative was death. She also knew and lived by the mantra, “this too shall pass”. So she will feel what is necessary , enter the abyss , feel the blackness .

.” Wake up Alice it’s your turn to drive” . She awoke into another extraordinary day of living. She realized that she had dozed off for an hour on this long journey to Mexico with her friend Jessie.. She’d never been to Mexico and it was going to take six days of driving to reach their destination . What the hell is six days compared to 60 yrs. That’s how old she’ll be soon. What a life it’s been. Fill with horror, anger, illness, peace, bliss, adventures, discoveries, love , all rooted into one body of life that continues to battle demons of her own and those of her ancestors. She both loved and hated their stories. Their rituals, memories, fears, emptiness, weeping. Yet for all the poverty , worry , god how they love to live, dance and sing.

Growing up in a small fishing village, she can almost hear her grandma say “ child, what’s ailing ya”, get on up now and fetch me my fiddle . It’s a jig you be needing this day, not a weeping tree to be leaning up against.

So up she’d get and sure enough , after a spin around the kitchen floor she’d be filled with the delights of being a child. Before bed there be the wonder of wonders, tea and biscuits. She believes she woke up each morning waiting for nightfall as the sun set over the long range mountains just for her tea & biscuits. She would try them mid afternoon some days, but they never tasted the same. It had to be at bedtime, next to the stove in the kitchen , listening to the crackling fire, smelling her grandfather ‘s pipe and listening to her grandma humming as she rocked in her rocking chair. God how she loved those two. They were her pillars . Alice visited them almost every weekend and holiday. She was the oldest of four children and living at home with a bully of a dad. Alice was happy to be in the comfort and care of her grands when possible

Living at home was dreadful, day in and day out. Alice urinated every time her dad walked into a room. It became habit and stayed with her until she left home at 18. Even today, whenever she thinks of him, off to the washroom she runs. Habit. He meant well , loved family as best he could but his anger at his own life was transferred to all those around him. The small town they lived in were afraid of him. He was an odd ball when it came to drinking. He was a ruthless tyrant when sober ,a kitten when he had a drink in his hand. Alice only ever saw him drunk once. He fell down in the mud at his daughters wedding, face first and it was funny . He never remembered and she never brought it up.

Growing up after the war was bitter sweet. The boys had come home, the women were back in the kitchen after years of working the factories in the city. Those who lived out on the bay were happy to be out fishing . If the girls were not fishing they were fetching their fellers. Getting the catch of the month , their boyfriends.

When they reeled one in, they made sure they did their deeds to keep them.

Alice’s mother was ahead of her time. After the factories closed there was no way she could stay at home . She saw a need for a clothing store in their village and after many meetings, promises to the rural co-op bank ,she opened up her jewel . It was her castle and she it’s queen.

Money was not a priority, status was. And that she had . People adored her , she was funny , beautiful and a wee bit of a trickster. She could con a con, make snow melt on the coldest of days and warm the heart of all who entered her domain.

If Alice was not out fishing, skating on the pond, playing cards, all the things one did in a small village, she worked the store for her mom. When her mother was not at the store, she was home sieving wine. That was her hobby and many a time she’d rise up from the basement with hiccups.

Alice thinks of these things as she is driving on route to Mexico. Jessie is now asleep and Alice is left with the hum of the engine, the sea of trees as she drives with her memories.

The diagnoses of liver cancer has been shocking to Alice but she is refusing treatment. She feels she’s lived a solid life , but is very tired. The will to stay alive has passed much as the passing highway on this trip. She glimpses at all the connections that keep ones life intact. Much like the trees, the highway, the sky, the horizon, all is passing to reach a destination. She has not yet told her family. Why prolong there worry? Her husband Pete passed two years ago. The kids would move on with their own lives in time .

Addictions were a big piece of Alice’s inheritance. These addictions are bitter sweet, the anguish, the release. The bold, the cowardice, the self will run riot, the begging for mercy. Why ? That’s the question Alice will answer on this her last journey. If she wanted to help change one thing to leave a legacy to her grands , then she best be getting on with it . Get to the root ,tell the truth and eject and release.

She remembers the first drink she had to help a painful mo

Hang loose, Hang on, Hang out, but NEVER Hang Up

Jesus , I am on my knees again’ what the fudge , you want my attention God , fine you have it. You want me to remember July 1st , 2000. Fine . Let’s battle it our cause I’m really tired and I need to sleep.

July 1st , 2000, I get a call from Kathy , our brother Derek is gone. “What do you mean he’s gone , where is he?” “ He’s dead “ , “what the fudge are you talking about Kathy ? what do you mean dead?” “He hung himself, “ she says . I am left hanging onto the phone or hang up the phone or stare into space. I’m not sure. I don’t know who I am,or who I’m supposed to be . I’m the older sister. But suddenly I am a child watching Derick move along with his crooked leg and I can’t express or feel anything. Only fear .

John, I and Amanda get to the airport the next day to fly to Fort McMurray Alberta. I’m wearing a long navy dress . I am a mere 45 years of age and some stupid man with a hand wand is frisking my body. He says “you have a great body. “

I’m wondering what the f “? he’s talking about a body but my baby brother has no body anymore he’s dead. We arrive at the Alberta airport , I can’t remember who picks us up but I do remember my mother sitting in a chair at Kathy’s home. Mom is angry and when I first hug her I am feeling that perhaps it is I who should have died first. After all I am the oldest. I turn to John and Amanda and finally I wake up to the wake that lays before us . It is a week of heart ache. Mostly for his son , 9 yr old James . It will take me another 12 years to understand my mothers anger that week when mine and John’s daughter,Melanie ,takes her own life , another hanging.

God , you have my attention, now can I go to sleep . I know you are sharing something with me that I need to understand. But I really am tired of it all. Yes , I know that others are complaining about their rent , their work , income , children, spouse , diet, weight, world poverty, politics, blah , blah . You want me to tell them what?

Hang loose , hang on, hang out, but NEVER hang UP. Well God , I hope they get the message, cause I’m tired and I need to sleep now .

Finally , it is finished , peek for peeps, “Into The Heart Of Bali “

Chapter 23
Alpha, Omega

Beginnings and endings, what do they mean to us as individuals and as a human species?

We live in a universe of pure consciousness. We arrive on this magnificent planet to enhance our species and we return in spirit to collective consciousness. Our journey is unique to each of us. No soul imprint is the same. The questions we ask ourselves must include, How do we best serve this collective consciousness? How can we make our imprint so that it empowers first ourselves and then others? Our mission is to live in unconditional love.

Shut Up BELL

mentalhealthhandsI realize that this is going to cause difficulty for some of you who continue to send me the link for bell  0.05  that is  going towards mental illness this week. Why am I not sharing but deleting? Let me talk to you about mental illness. Why are you allowing yourself to being seduced? Remember words cast spells and you have been under a spell. Do you really think that Bell cares about mental illness? If they did why did I receive a $12,000.00 phone bill in 2013? Now that is insanity.  Not only me but many received crazy phone bills from them between 2012-2016.

I am not playing the victim here but giving you facts. The day I received that bill I was in deep grief over the loss of my mother who had just passed in Oct ( I received the bill in Nov.) . Our daugher had committed  suicide the year before and my dad just had a stroke.  I had just returned from a shopping trip. John and I were in  Bali for my business, “The White Lilly” . When I am in Bali I use a different phone but unfortunately I  took my regular phone in case of emergencies that might come up in the store . I had no idea at the time that moving a button to off , “data roaming” would make a difference . Lesson learned.

I am all about acceptance, surrender, forgiveness. I forgave all of that drama a long time ago , however when I see what bell is still doing to you , the seduction, I am alarmed. Why do you only give when bell suggests it? Why are you not contributing directly to Mental Health organization? Do we have to have a month for Mental illness? Yes, you will say ,it creates awareness. Are you kidding me? Wake up, its all around you , are you not aware each and every day? Mental Illness is not a buzz word. It began in the 50’s when our food was introduced to chemicals to keep it fresh , but that is another story I do not want to discuss here.

Our family just went through hell in the last few months with another family member in need of help for her mental illness. Was it available? Absolutely NOT. The hospital was full, the police did not know where to take her so she came to spend time with us before going to treatment in another country.

My message to you is this. STOP allowing Bell to play the Dan Juan to your Damsel. The Dan Juan will spotlight all the positive seductive qualities of helping but only for their own private agenda. Your Damsel will live in the illusion because it feels like the right thing to do , but please understand the true nature of your own health and the health of others. GIVE TO THE MENTAL HEALTH organization directly.  Be empowered to make a difference, not because Bell tells you to.

Please STOP sending me those messages on messenger. Its a waste of time . GIVE so that others will live. but not through BELL. A bell is only a ding dong, is anyone home? If you are at home with yourself , you are in a very sacred space. Discern wisely.